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Home  ›  Science/Fiction  ›  Lagos Hanky Panky
Lagos Hanky Panky
by Naija Stories   (Author)
Read First Three Chapters

Uko Bendi Udo

Uyi walked into the New Lagos Bar looking like someone had just said something nasty to him about his mama. He walked past the WAIT TO BE SEATED sign, threw his set of keys on an empty table, dragged out a chair noisily, and slouched on it.
“Sah, you need to wait to be seated, sah,” Bose pleaded, her brow furrowed deeply. Her eyes darted sideways, as if she’d never seen anything like this.
“Get me Tina,” Uyi ordered, unconcerned with the cold stares directed at him from all corners of the bar.
“Sorry, sah, but—”
“I say get me Tina. Or am I not clear enough? Mtcheew.”
“Yessah.” Bose scurried away like a chastened toddler, her grip on the menu tighter.
Uyi’s cell phone rang. He jabbed at an icon on the phone, sending the call to voice mail. Seconds later, the phone made a zoom-zoom sound, announcing a text message. He jabbed to see: Demola had written: “Jango. Where u dey na? We ready 2 get this party started!” Uyi swiped it clear from the cell’s screen.
Sniff, sniff.
Cheap cologne. OK perfume. Dodo. Fried fish. Jollof rice. Beer.
Uyi’s mouth watered, but he stifled his craving.
“Aya, you no see the sign there?” Tina’s pose as she stood before Uyi was both cocky and defensive. Her head was flung back slightly, her gaze hard, but evasive.
He sat up straight. “If I didn’t care for you, eh, I’ll say something right now!”
“Like what?”
“Forget it.”
“What is your problem sef? Didn’t you see the waiter’s sign?”
“Fuck the sign!”
Tina bridged her lips with a finger. “Ssshhh, Uyi. Abeg. Why you no call me?”
“Do you know what today is, Tina?”
Uyi’s fingers drummed the table.
Tina rolled her eyes guiltily. “Your birthday, darling. I know na.”
He held up his palms and said, “I told you about the party, abi? Why are you here?”
“Abeg, Uyi. Parties don’t pay my rent o. I need the money, jo.”
“I told you that I’ll take care of that.”
“Talk is cheap, Uyi.”
Uyi stood up, pulled out a wad of five naira bills and slapped it on the table. “Oya, let’s go.”
Tina froze in place, smacking the gum in her mouth loudly for effect. “How much be dat?”
“Enough. No need for you to work today. Oya, let’s go.”
Tina leaned languidly against the table, separated each note with the base of her Biro pen, and said, “He no do, Uyi.”
Uyi searched his pockets.
“Wey the rest?” Tina struck an exasperated pose, rocking on her heels impatiently.
“Aye wo! Tina, what are you dooinng?” Leaning out the kitchen window, Mama Nkechi waved the large metal spoon at Tina, urging her to get with it. “Customers are waiting na!”
“Dis one here no be customer too?” Tina muttered under her breadth. “I dey come,” she said to Uyi, and then sashayed back towards the kitchen.
Uyi slapped the naira notes off the table, and then picked them up.
Tina marched back to Uyi’s table. “Mama Nkechi wants you to order or leave. What do you want? It’s on me.”
Uyi shoved the naira notes back into his pocket, and then sat down. “Sandwich.”
“Sandwich ke?” Tina’s posture collapsed. “Are you serious?”
“Do you see me laughing?”
“Aya. Na Eko Hotel menu be dat, Uyi.”
“Make me one. It’s my birthday.”
Tina chuckled. “This is not my restaurant, Uyi.”
“If you care for me, you’ll make it happen.”
“Why are you trying to be difficult, eh?”
Uyi drummed the table.
“Okay. The way you like it is thick meat in the middle, and two soft buns on each side, abi? Let me see what I can do.” Tina shoved the Biro pen between her braids and hurried back towards the kitchen.
A new entrant into the bar distracted Uyi from completing his text reply to Demola. She wore her hair in shiny black puffs, and her face projected a Cape Verdean bone structure. She strode purposefully towards Uyi, flaunting curves that would make a man drive off a cliff, and a smile that told everything and nothing.
“May I share your table, yes?” A Portuguese accent.
“Um, ah…”
“Thank you.” She pulled a chair and gracefully sat on it. “Come here often?”
“Um, ah…”
“We don’t have any sandwich,” Tina announced, an edge in her voice.
“Um, ah…”
“I’ll get you beer.”
“Okay…good.” Uyi shifted involuntarily in his seat.
“What do you want, madam?” Tina’s smile seemed forced.
“Give me a minute, please.”
Tina walked away.
“What’s with her? She’s usually cheerful.”
“Do you come here often?” Uyi asked.
“I have a room here.”
“You live here?”

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Price: ₦500 ($3)
Product Details
Author: Naija Stories
Publication date: 2013
Pages: 43
Product dimensions: 422 x 600
More About This eBook
Lagos Hanky Panky leads in this collection of short and exciting stories about the underhand, unusual and unexpected things that happen in the urban cities and spaces around us.
Featuring womanising young men in beer parlours, a governor who is where he should not be, boys experimenting with weed and a prostitute who takes matters into her own mouth, this collection of short reads will grip you from start to finish, and the characters and their stories will stay with you long after you finish.
Editorial Reviews
About Author
Naija Stories is a social network for Nigerian writers of all skill levels and readers of both genre novels and literary fiction. It is an avenue for readers and publishers to discover new authors and for writers to share their work, gain recognition, and connect with their audience and each other.
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